Marina Rose Travels

Progress

One month and one day ago I made a promise to myself that I was going to follow my dreams and move to Costa Rica. The hope was and is that my current job will agree to let me work fully remote for the foreseeable future. This has been the plan since the beginning, finding fully remote work and living somewhere the cost of living is considerably lower. This allows me to find a long term rental AirBnb, book a flight, pack my extremely limited personal belongings, and step into the next phase of my life sooner than later. 

A month ago it seemed reasonable to give myself two months to prepare to move, to be finished by April 1st. Since February began I have been doing research, meeting with friends of friends, and creating lists of all of the items I want to bring, sell, trash, donate, and keep. This includes my car and all of the useless stuff that I have accumulated over the last 4 years of living on my own. 

It dawned on me today the reality of where I find myself. I am going to live as if, and I will co-create my reality simply by being completely resolved at the truth of it. This week I will decide on the town I want to live in the next 4 months and then I will determine the AirBnb that seems the best for me. As this is my first time abroad in Central America, I am going to find a place with a pool and air conditioning, because god knows this Jersey girl isn’t used to the heat of the equator. Costa Rica is also my first destination of choice because it has a strong infrastructure system and good Wi-Fi in many cities and towns. It’s a little more like home which I think is a good idea for my first stop. 

There is a part of me that is fearful. What if my job doesn’t give me a full remote schedule? What if I have to scrape by for a while? But then I know that I am always going to be taken care of. The universe has been telling me to leave this job to pursue my passions for the last year and putting some healthy pressure on myself to get things done is certainly going to get results. That’s the thing about people. If you give them a time frame, we inevitably get it done, but if the due date is open ended, there is a chance that the project will never come to term. I am not willing to gamble with the trajectory of my life so I am going to take a decisive leap. The universe will catch me, it always does. 

The Alchemist

In the meantime, I am getting ready to get rid of my things as appropriate and prepare the necessary parties for my departure. I have 8 weeks to pull everything together and that is more than enough time. I am capable and smart and I will be able to find the path in the scurry. There is a part of me that is worried I might lose my nerve if I stay still too long. It happens all the time, people are lulled back into complacency by the warmth of familiarity. Life gives us moments of clarity among the noise and it is my duty to follow the call of my Personal Treasure. 

I am re-reading The Alchemist at the moment. I chose it to prepare for my journey. I chose to relive and relearn the words of that book because I too want comfort in my choices. To pursue one’s destiny is brave, and I have been trying to be truly brave since celebrating 2020 in rehab. I vowed that night to be brave in my life, to do what I was scared of so I could grow, and I have been relentless in that quest. No addiction, no depression, no loss of friends or losing my way can ever change that I am living in my authentic, spiritual self. 

The theme of the year before me is Doing What I Can, With What I Have. I’m 26 years old and I don’t have lots of things, but what I do have is more bountiful than I tend to remember. I have a relaxing job with time on my hands. I have taken care of myself for the last 4 years and I live with total freedom to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I have a car that works. I have a strong mind that helps me figure out how to do things that are hard for me. I am creative. I have time on my hands to do whatever I want with. I feel connected to something bigger than me. I trust that the Universe will always have my back. I am worthy to receive all the wonderful things that are on their way to me. I am whole. I am enough exactly as I am. I am confident that things work out for me. I am conscious of my being and do everything to create abundance for myself and others. I was put on earth to create incredible things that change the world. I have the gift of long suffering. I have the gift of loving family members. I have the gift of helping people see a new perspective.

Light inside Darkness

What kind of blessing is it to know these things? What kind of privilege is it to live in light when the world seems dark? I spent 10 years with suicidal depression and intrusive thoughts which told me to kill myself every moment of the day, before I even opened my eyes. From 14 to 24 I could not stand the sun because it showed me everything that I hated about myself. And there were good moments, there was growth, there were beautiful people and beautiful events that kept me going, but in that late hour when everything was silent except for my thoughts, it was only the idea that if tomorrow was bad enough, I could end it that kept me alive through the night. 

Back then it was pleasure, dark humor, and liquor that kept me alive. There was always more to life, but I was in too much pain to see it. Back then, I did what I could with what I had. I had my bed and cozy sheets that kept me pinned down when the ideation got too strong. I had dreams of being better one day, thoughts of all the things that I would do if I were ever someone else. if I were ever free. It was hell of my own making, hell of my past lived again and again, shame that ate me alive and regret that drove me to the brink of insanity. My art was pain and I thought that is what gave life meaning, to not feel alone in the suffering. But there is so much more to life that I could never have dreamed of, and now those dreams aren’t just dreams but they are falling on me with ease. They are proof of my freedom and even the challenges I have faced are proof of a love that I thought had left me. 

I thought that God had built me wrong, that I was broken, that I was doomed to a life of fixing myself or letting the pain and fear fueled ego inside run rampant on the earth, speaking of existential goodness but acting only in selfishness. But I am literally proof that love is the driving nature of the universe.